Dave Barry quotes

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Drink beer and you will sleep well. sleep well and you will avoid sin. avoid sin and you will become closer to God. Therefore, drink beer and you will become closer to God. (ok, so the original saying was for wine, but it works out the same)

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Funny, I know a lot of people like this too. (how many of you are now saying to yourselves "My God, you're right! I never would have thought of that, but so do I!" see, told ya!

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
then again, by the time the cow is "on earth," it's not moving very fast at all.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
and that is just about the only reason to watch NASCAR. well, that and the oh so satisfying feel of turning it off.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
I agree. Then again, if you actually catch a fish, it's not fishing anymore, it's catching.
You know when fishing is not boring? when a fish is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
hence the lazy susan, and the concept of Dim Sum. the food is always taken from a communal plate so you never absorb the fat and cholesterol

And I will leave you with a bit of wisdom from Dean Martin-"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
you're not drunk, you're either so wasted you've passed out, or you are dead.